Gems
from Calvin and Hobbes
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Jawohl, mein fuhrer
In
one of the strips (87-10-09), Calvin says ""Jawohl, mein
fuhrer" to Rosalyn, the baby sitter. Even though understood broadly,
I was puzzled for long time about its exact meaning. And the Internet gave
me no exact meaning for the phrase until I found the following pieces of
Information:
Jawohl = exactly, quite so, right you are (Coll), that's right, Yes!, Yes, sir!
Mein = My. mine
Fuhrer = Leader, pathfinder, scoutmaster, captain guide
Wilhelm Keitel - Chief of OKW 1938-45; Hitler's military chief of staff, noted for his utter servility to Hitler and continual repetition of
"Jawohl, mein fuhrer." (death)
Don't
sell the Bike Shop, Orville
It is a reference to Wright Brothers Orville
& Wilbur Wright and "The Bike Shop Syndrome": While working
on their flying machine in Dayton, Wilbur told Orville, "Don’t sell the Bike Shop!"
Some Titled Strips
I have titled some specific CH strips on the
basis of main idea in the strip. It might help you in locating that
elusive strip in your collection that you have been looking for quite sometime. Strip files are
generally named
as ch-Year-Month-Date. For example, ch871108 (Mom's a Bimbo).gif means this
strip was originally published on 08th November, 1987. You can ctrl-F
in the list (in browser) to locate strip of your interest. See the list
here. Best of luck!
Gems
from Calvin and Hobbes
General Gems
Top
- That'll build your character.
- Yeah? Well, what about Frostbite?! What about hypothermia?! What about
DEATH?! I suppose THOSE build character too!
Everytime I've built character, I have regretted it!
- Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
- I asked mom if i was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't
have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when the reporters
ask how I went bad.
- I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
- I'm staying in bed until christmas. I figure my chances of being good
improve greatly if I don't get up.
- There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you,
and how much fun it is.
- Being cool: You don't move, you just hang around.
The world bores you when you are cool.
- Studies in state sponsored terrorism - also known as gym class.
- Sometimes I think that the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
- Is that your face or possum stuck in your collar? (To Susie
Derkins)
Are we near a slaughter-house, or did you forget your deoderant? (To
Susie Derkins)
Did you head get stuck in the blender? Its an improvement. (Susie
to Calvin)
Its shameless the way we flirt.
Your heart falls into your stomach & splashes your innards.
This condensation shorts the circuits to your brains and you get all woozy.
Your mouth disengages and you babble like cretin until she leaves. (About
symptoms of love)
- I hope you suffer a debilitatting brain aneurysm.
- Are your maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk
pituitary gland? (To Moe)
His train of thought is still boarding at the station. (Moe's, after
the statement above)
- She went on one of her irrelevant tangents again. (about his mother)
- At the slightest provocation, we'll let loose a merciless barrage of....
- This is against my religious principles. (about a unsolvable maths problem)
- Living life in stupefying security vs. taking life and living life on
the edge.
- It costs to be my friend.
- Their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate
abuse of dangerous drugs.
- You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
- I have a conjectural moral question.
- If you can't win by reason, go for VOLUME.
- Get your rear in gear, will ya?
- There is no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and
make it even worse.
- But there's no sense in impressing them and then get killed. (about
girls)
- Wierd face contest.
- I didn't hear you offer any brainstorms. (To Hobbes)
- Offensive superiority. (in a snow fort)
- Its fun to mess with their minds. (plants' minds)
- I am delirious from having so much fun.
- We'll both just sit here until we die.
- Maybe I'm new wave.
- The forensic marvel has reduced my logic to shambles. (about Moe's argument)
- They say two wrongs don't make a right, but what are you supposed to
DO then? Just let the biggest guy make his own rules all the time? Let
might make right?... That sounds so reasonable.
- The playgrouns should have one of those automatic insurance machines
like they have at airports.
- Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.
- Maybe if I'm really lucky I won't have to go through life with the nickname
'Omlet Face'.
- I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big.
- Reasonable solution? You told me to jump in a lake!
- Yes.. Yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh Please! Oh Please! Yes,
Yes, Yes! (trying to shut Rosalyn outta home)
- Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're sick. Oh Boy!
- Hey if you rent us a VCR and a movie, we'll put the TV near a window
so you can watch too! (To Rosalyn)
Are you 18? you could get us 'Venusian Vampire Vixens'!
- Say Chas, Don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend
department? (To Rosalyn's boyfriend)
I'm telling you chuch, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you are
not making any long-range plans around her.
- I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks.
- If you can just get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're
doing good.
- If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky... And
if that person can also stand YOU, you're REALLY lucky.
- Although Stupendous Man could easily read the assignment with stupendous
high-speed vision, the masked man has a bolder plan. With stupendous
powers of reasoning, the caped combatant concludes there's no need for
homework if THERE'S NO SCHOOL TOMMORROW!
- Stupendous Man circles the earth with a 200-inch telescope lens.. and
fries a certain elementary school clean off the map!
- Uh oh, It's my arch-nemesis, MOM-LADY!
- Unfortunately Stupendous Man's cape is caught in mild-mannered calvin's
zipper! Curses!
- Boy, she'll be in trouble when she gives me my costume back. BIG
TROUBLE.
- Everyday this maniac is so glad to see me that he blasts out like a
big orange torpedo! A DOG will just wag its tail, but of course, a TIGER
has to POUNCE on you! Stupid animal!
- Tigers LIVE for the thrill of a sneak attack! It's their evil nature!
- Like no one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat! HA! He's a killer
to the core!
- Yeah, you know who I'm talking about! Wipe off that grin or I'LL do
it FOR you!
- There I watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of myself from a parallel
universe took my place on earth..
- Well when you know as much as I do, it does;nt take as long. (finishing
a report)
- I have got more brains than I need.
- Look, who's giving the report? YOU chowderheads or ME?! (to the
class)
- I'm the end result of history. Think of it! Thousands of generations
lived and died to produce my exact, scientific parents, whose reason for
being, obviously, was to produce ME. All history upto this point
has been has been spent preparing the world for my presence. Now I am here
and history is vindicated.
- It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
- My personal gravity must have reversed polarity!
- Oops, it looks like she's wrapping up. Better start nodding. (towards
the end of mom's lecture)
- Dear Santa, How are you? Well, enough chit chat. Let's get down
to business. This year I want....
- I'll have you know I've been a veritable ANGEL this year, just like
ALWAYS!
- Look, its every man for himself in this world. Now give me a boost,
will ya?
- They're all teeth and digestive tracts. No brains at all. (about
monsters under the bed)
- That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.
- By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward each other when I'm
through with you!
- Well, you know what historical fiction is? I'm writing a fictional biography.
It's the sory of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up.
- Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks
to pay my labour and production costs... OR you can be the subjevt of a
comic strip called 'DOPEY DAD'.
- Here we are, poised at the precipice of 'Pallbearer Peak' on a
flimsy, unsteerable sled! The mind recoils in horror to imagine the
awful descent! Yes, it's a tousand foot vertical drop onto a boulder field
lined with pricker bushes! It's a journey calculated to exceed the human
capacity for blinding fear!
- You don't LIKE my 'Snowman house of horror', DO you?
- Where are the flying cars? Where are the personal robots and the
zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the
future?? HA! I mean LOOK at this. We still have WEATHER?! Give me
a break!
- My parents' idea of a wild night is to mix a scoop of real coffee in
with a decaf.
- Resolutions? ME?? Just what are you implying? That I need to CHANGE??
Well, buddy, as far as I'M concerned, I'm perfect the way I AM! For your
information, I'm STAYING like this, and everyone else can just get USED
to it! If people don't like me, well, TOUGH beans! It's a free country!
I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is how I am
- take it OR leave it! By golly, life is darn too short to waste time trying
to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how I ought to be! I
don't need advice! Evryone can just stay out of may face!
- But for my own example, I'd never believe one little kid could have
so much brains!
- Another genius thwarted by an incapable assistant.
- Ok, so we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me.
- The last thing I wanted to do this morning was a CASE to solve, but
the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames ARE, somehow.
- In my opinion, television validates existence.
- Ok, so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up.
- ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create
ART.
This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to express deeper
truths about the human conditions! One look at the tortured countenance
of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of
life!
This time I'm taking ADVANTAGE of my medium's IMPERMANENCE. This sculpture
is about transcience. As it melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate
the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own
mortality!
- Genius is never understood in its own time.
- If there's more to life than this, I don't know what it is.
- Why should I have to goto school? Why can't I stay home? Why do I have
to learn? Why can't I stay the way I am? What's the point of this?
Why do things have to be this way? Why can't thins be different?
- Moe's "Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund".
- His motto is "Give before it hurts".
- G. R. O. S. S. (Get Rid Of Slimy GirlS) club.
- Like it's MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept.
- A house with a tiger is never a home.
- Ol' catapult butt. (for Hobbes)
- I think I'll sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight.
- YAAH! Freedom and Justice shall always prevail over Tyranny, Baby Sitter
Girl!
- Oh no! The evil amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous
will!
- Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear
words.
- I refuse to learn a lesson! I'm indomitabel! They can't change me! I'll
sit in front of the TV all week even if I can't turn it on.
- I hate these father-son things.
- I'b bleedig! By ode dad id trying to GILL me! I'b nod playig badeball
eddy more! Nebber again! I hade it! All by charagder id drippig out by
node!
- My whole life is a disaster. I get injured just trying to learn
the skills it takes to play a game I don't even want to play!
- The kids teased me when I DIDN'T play baseball. Then they yelled
at me when I DID play. Then the teacher called me a 'Quitter' when
I STOPPED playing. Unless you're a star, you can't please ANYone.
- There's no headrest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!
- Ans the BIG BIG DAD yelled that if we didn't knock it off, he'd mail
us to PLUTO third class!
- I'd say that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.
- Ho Ho! They tried to make me learn, but I was too tough for
'em!
- All my REAL skills are undervalued! (such as eating a bug)
- The only permanent rulein CALVINBALL is that you can't play it the same
way twice.
- Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness
and success.. flat stretches of boring routine.. and valleys of frustration
and failure. But I'M dedicating myself to experiencing only PEAKS!
- Will you take this film to be developed? I'll pay you back when TIME
magazine coughs up for my story. (to Mom)
- I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, 'Go
Play Outside!'.
Hobbes Gems
Top
- PRONOUN: A noun that loses its amateur status.
- The problem with people is that they're only HUMAN.
- Tigers are great at Math! Now, what do these little horizontal lines
mean? (about minus signs)
- Tigers wreck the grade curve.
- Your mom is going to go into conniptions.
- You have no appreciation of physical humor.
- Um, your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock
can measure.
- I declared it oppossitely by NOT declaring it!
- I'm moving so slow, I'm moving BACKWARD! I'm winning!
- You and that box are plain bad news.
- If we get in National Geographic. maybe I'll get to meet some of those
babes they showed in April issue! Yow Wow!
Moe Gems
Top
- Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula.
Some conversations
Top
- Calvin: Want to play a great game I invented? It's called 'Gross Out'.
You say the grossiest thing you can imagine, and then I try to think
of something even grosser. Whoever comes up with the grossest thing
gets a point, and we play until someone gets 50 points, ok?
Hobbes: I think I alreay know who's going to win.
Calvin: It's wierd nobody has ever played a full game with me.
- Calvin: Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?
Give me a break!
Calvin: Bats are bugs.
Hobbes; All we have is one 'fact' you made up.
Calvin: Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a
good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! A clear plastic binder! Pretty
professional looking, eh?
Hobbes: I don't want co-author credit on this, OK? (Hobbes' statement)
- Hobbes: Miserable Miscreant! Question my integrity, will you?
Calvin: I can't question it until I see some EVIDENCE of it!
You'll never make it till christmas. Give up now and enjoy yourslef.
(Hobbes to Calvin on his efforts of being good)
- Safety check on sled:
Seat belts? None.
Signals? None.
Brakes? None.
Steering? None.
- Calvin: See, the box is on its side now. It's a duplicator!
Hobbes: I can picture the look on your parents' face when they find
out they've suddenly had twins.
Calvin: Brother! you doubting thomases get in the way of more scientific
advances with your stupid ethical questions! This is a BRILLIANT idea.
Hit the button, will ya?
Hobbes: I'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress...
here you go. BOINK (Scientific progress goes 'BOINK'?
- No. 2: Number three, Hi! I'm number two!
No. 3: Charmed.
- Hobbes: duplicator is a big success.
A Duplicate: Are you kidding? It burned out after the fifth one of
us!
- Calvin: Who gets the bed tonite?
Duplicates: we'll fight you for it.
Calvin: Geez, you guys! Even I don't get sent to the principal every
DAY! You're making me look bad!
I'm being framed by my own doubles! The worst part is that I
don't even have the fun of doing the stuff I'm being blamed for.
- Bullet Tracer: My buddies travel light and they're fun to have around.
One travels in a holster, and the other in a hip flask.
- Hobbes/Calvin: Truce?
Calvin/Hobbes: Truce.
- Calvin: I don't DO math any more. I decided I'm more of a 'visual' person.
Dad: Good. Visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade.
- Dad: The theory of relativity works only if you're going west.
- Calvin: Oh no! I am in COOTIE CENTRAL. I haven't had my shots.
Susie: Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies.
- Calvin: I don't WANT to learn teamwork! I don't WANT to learn about
winning and losing! Heck, I don't even want to COMPETE! What's wrong with
just having fun by yourself, huh?!
Dad: when u grow up, it's not allowed.
Calvin: All the more reason I should do it NOW!
- Clavin: Hey Hobbes, What's a 'Paper Tiger'?
Hobbes: Its like a paper boy. You know, a tiger with a newspaper
route.
- Dad: I just KNOW some nurse switched the bassinets.
- Hobbes: I have a question. Why don't we get younger as we
go back in time and disappear as we pass the day we were born?
Calvin: I'd explain it, but there's a lot of math.
Hobbes: I thought you got a 'D' in math.
Haikus
Top
- Still and quiet feline form, In the sun, asleep and warm; His tail is
limp, his whiskers drooped, Man what could make this cat so pooped?
- Snow, Snow! High and Low! Wherever we go! Let it blow! To and fro! H-DE-HO!
Snow! Snow! Snow!
- An illiterative Haiku by Calvin:
Twitching tufted tail, A toasty, twany tummy: A tired tiger.
- Tigers are great!, They're the toast of the town; Life's always better,
when a tiger's around.
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